Negativity & Perspective

When looking at the words we use in everyday life, we rarely think about what it means to be negative.  We don’t think about how our words to ourselves and others affect our life experiences.

Negative:

1.     Of a person, attitude, or situation not desirable or optimistic.

2.     Marked by denial or refusal.

3.     Showing a lack of something suspected or desirable.

4.     Denoting a complete lack of something.

5.     Having light and shadow images reversed.

Have you ever been in a grocery store and the person at the counter is rude, disinterested, or moving slower than pond water going up a hill backwards?  I’m sure we’ve all been here.  How are you feeling right about then when this person who is ringing up your items is either giving you a hard time, moving slow, or appears so disinterested that they’re putting your wet items with your dry items even after you’ve deliberately separated them?  I can just imagine the temper building in you because guess what? I’ve been there too.  Everyone has experience the feeling of wanting to scream at a cashier to “hurry up,” “don’t put that in that bag, didn’t you see I separated that for a reason,” or “you don’t have to be so rude.”  Some of us go ahead and vent right there on the cashier.  Some of us, hold those feelings in, and others of us find a way to release that pent-up energy, anger, and frustration by taking it out on others or taking it to the cashier’s manager.  All in all, there is a chain of negativity here.  In some way this person has affected that experience.  What usually crosses my mind is that the cashier must be having a pretty bad day to treat someone with little to no respect when she doesn’t know me.  I wonder if the cashier who is moving slow is in pain or simply would rather be somewhere else.  I wonder if the cashier who is indifferent has become jaded by her job.  Oh, I ask myself all kinds of questions I’ll never get the answers to, but it lessens my anger and makes me wonder how I would be at such a job.  I’m sure I’d suck, but that’s just me.

In this context, we can see how a negative event can affect us.  It’s not impossible to just let it go, but human nature isn’t built that way.  We are thoughtful creatures.  We are meant to interact with others even if we don’t like to most of the time.  Negative things happen all the time.  People run the red light on purpose an cause and accident.  People don’t watch where they are going.  They use cell phones while driving.  Someone says something mean and unkind to us.  We hear a statement and our perception of it may be the opposite of what the person meant.  So many moments in our day can be considered a negative happening.  It rained, the sky is dark, the lights got cut off, the puppy peed on the floor right before I was getting ready to leave for work.  The garbage disposal isn’t working right and everything someone puts in it unfortunately comes up in the tub.  I don’t have money for cigarettes.  I don’t have money for anything.  I could go on and on.  The thing is to put it all in perspective.

 

Negativity:

1.     The expression of criticism of or pessimism about something.

And I’m sure you’re wondering how to put it all in perspective.  Saying it that way, I make it sound easy, but the truth is that it’s not.  Trying to fit a round peg in a square opening is nearly impossible.  And, in many ways, that is what we’re trying to do when we try to push negativity out and pull in positive energy.

Perspective:

1.     View of things in their true relationship or importance.

2.     Apparent depth and distance in painting.

3.     An extensive or distant view. 

4. Lookout, prospect

Keeping situations, interactions with others, and circumstances: in perspective is something that we rarely do.  Because we often think we are right; expect better of someone we barely know and/or think we know fairly well; or believe that everyone has the same values as we do, we don’t distance ourselves enough from the event to realize that it probably wasn’t as bad as it seemed.  We forget to look for the positive in the situation.  Sometimes, we are intent on only seeing the negative, in only seeing what is lacking in a person or event.  We look at the world through our own lens and assume that everyone else’s world is built the same way.

One of the definitions of perspective is to have an extensive or distant view.  When you think about it in terms of distance, try to see it from that person’s point of view.  What if their back is hurting them, and every time they put an item over the scanner their entire back spasms?  What would you do if that were happening to you?  Being me, I probably would have wimped out and stayed home that day.  But this person probably has children.  She probably has more bills than I can count, and she’s trying to keep it all together and make ends meet for her family.  There are so many reasons for us to be miserable.  Is it appropriate for a cashier or anyone to take their difficulties out on the world around them?  Of course not, but if I were in that position, I’d want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she’s just having a bad day, I wonder if I can make her smile before I leave her line.  I’ve distanced myself from the interaction and started thinking of it differently from my initial reaction, which was to snap at her to, “hurry” and “don’t talk to me like that.”  What’s the point in ruining both our days?  I’m going to walk out the store and be done with her in about ten minutes.  So, I’ll get to go home, put my feet up, and sip on one of the Diet Cokes I just purchased and probably munch on my chips while listening to a really good book if I’m lucky.  She’ll still be in the grocery store with her attitude and misery.  I’m going to be happy and probably forget about her with the first nibble of a chip.  So, what’s the point in arguing with her, making both of us feel like crap, and generally making matters worse?

While this is an ideal way of looking at things, there are times that action is needed.  In the heat of the moment, we don’t think about our actions or words.  However, thought is needed.  I tend to take a deep breath to calm myself and try to distance myself from the situation.  I do not want anything or anyone to change who I am.  I don’t want to be someone I am not in any situation.  It is not the person, event, or circumstances of my life that has control over me.  I am the only person who has control over who I am, who I will be in any given situation, or what I do and say in that situation.  If I allow someone to change who I want to be, I have made that choice.  Taking that moment to think what to do to satisfy myself with what I feel during what I see as a negative occurrence is paramount to keeping myself in control of the situation from my perspective.  If I feel wronged to the point of needing to take action, I report the incident.  I find a way that is meaningful to me to problem solve.  Allowing a person to influence me is more my fault.  As much as I’d like to blame someone else, the truth is that the fault lies with me.  No one can make me give them a negative reaction.  It is up to me to remember who I am and who I want to be.  It is up to me to respond instead of react.

     In the next post, we’ll discover the difference between reaction and response.  Thank you for being a part of the Soul Search Café.  I look forward to continuing to learn with and from all of you.  Share your comments and perspectives with us, so we can learn from you.

     

Until next we meet, stay encouraged and affirmed,

Nell