Self-Identity
Unlike a drop of water
which loses its identity when it joins the ocean, man does not lose his being
in the society in which he lives. Man's life is independent. He is born not for
the development of the society alone, but for the development of his self.
B. R. Ambedkar
In the last post, we talked about
self-awareness. Of course, that post was
only a drop in the bucket. Self-awareness
takes time, effort, self-understanding, compassion, and a true search of the
soul. Who we are and who we want to be
takes more than a few minutes to discover and fully implement into our present worlds? And I feel it is vital that we become aware
of our identities during our journey into searching our soul.
Identity:
1. The
fact of being what or who a person or thing is.
2. The
qualities, beliefs, personality, looks and/or expressions that make a person.
Within the context of who we are,
our identities have a great deal to do with our belief patterns, values, non-negotiables,
boundaries, and behaviors. When I was
working as a mental health counseling intern, I remember having a hard time
with a client. I kept saying, “I don’t
like her.” My supervising professor
said, “Nell, is it actually the client you don’t like, or is it her behaviors?” I was pacing the length of my home while
having this conversation with my professor.
As I paced the length of the hallway of my apartment, I thought about
what she asked. The truth was that I did
not know the client well. She had only
made one comment that set me off. I was
often embarrassed by some of the things she said and was frustrated that she
just couldn’t get it. Not only was I very
wrong to think that my way of thinking was the right way, but I was having a
bit of an identity crisis of my own at that time. I had some realizing to do. I had to realize that I was a bit of a
prude. I had to understand that I wasn’t
angry with the client’s words, so much as I was embarrassed by them. And that was on me, not the client. I realized that I was not comfortable with my
own sexuality and she nudged that button quite hard the day I met her. I soon realized that yes, it was the client’s
behavior that I did not care for but was I within my rights to assume that my
way of thinking and behavior was better than hers. Of course, not, but I also realized that no
matter how much I grow, how often I examine myself, and regardless of the
events that occur in my life: I had a great deal of learning to do not only as a
counselor but as a person. The values I held
and still hold about sexual intercourse are far different from many people. I also began to accept, as I grew as a
counselor and person, that everyone has different values and beliefs. Of course, this is a concept I knew about
long before I ever studied psychology and started practicing as a
counselor. There is a difference between
knowing about something and understanding and coming to accept a concept. It sounds simple, but it is far more
difficult than it sounds. I learned to
accept other people’s values and beliefs at face value, primarily, because I wanted
them to do the same for me. However, as I began to truly gain a better understanding
of identity and how it can affect not only who we are, but how we interact with
the world around us, I began to truly take stock of what my beliefs were, if my
values were so important that I couldn’t accept and offer compassion to those
who chose to believe differently from me.
The whole point of helping others is to offer compassion, empathy, and a
kind of unconditional acceptance they more than likely don’t receive from
others. I began to truly examine who I was
and fell in love with my uniqueness.
Unique:
1. Being
the only one of its kind; unlike anything or anyone else.
2. Very
special or unusual.
In those introspective moments at
a time in my life when I had so much going on.
I was in my master’s program. I was
working as an intern at a substance abuse residential facility, and I was working
as an adjunct English instructor. I kept
thinking I don’t have time for self-reflection right now. I kept wondering if I was going a little
nuts. It wasn’t the client that had the
problem; it was me. It wasn’t the stress
of having so much on my plate that was the problem. I can admit now that it shamed me at the time
to realize it was me. I was too busy to
take the time to handle unfinished business, really? One of the main tenants that are emphasized in
the mental health program is that a therapist must be healthy. I was going to burn out before I even became
a therapist at the rate I was going. And
all because I thought I could handle it all myself. I refused to ask for help at first. And I refused to see that no matter how many
hours are in a day, I can always make time for me.
I began to realize that I was losing
who I was in everything I did for others, whether it was a client, friend,
family member, associate, or co-worker. I
took on a lot in those days, and I can honestly say that I still do that occasionally,
but I no longer neglect my spirit. I no
longer neglect the me I want to be. I often
sit on the side of my bed and analyze the way I feel about something even if it’s
something as simple as how my feet feel in a pair of shoes or something more complex
like am I falling in love and what the heck I’m going to do about it because I’m
terrified. I make time for me and my
identity.
I remember when I was in a leadership
program right before I started my internship.
We had a speaker come in to talk about being a successful leader. I was fascinated by his story. His life was interesting, and I hung on his
every word. But what resonated with me
the most was the fact that he woke up at three o’clock in the morning in order
to make time for self-introspection. When
he said that, it kind of woke me up even more than his story inspired me. What? I thought. Is this guy crazy? Even the birds are still slumbering in their
nests then, I thought rather disconcerted by this man’s efforts to be as
successful as he could. No way am I waking
up that early, I thought, and continued to listen to his story with a little less
enthusiasm. Funny thing, when I lived in
North Carolina for a while. I would get
up at four o’clock in the morning to have an hour for myself before I walked my
guide dog, fed her, and got both of our bags together for the day before
work. I made sure that everything was
ready to go before I had to get on the bus to Durham. Four o’clock is only one hour later than
three. Why did I have such a problem
with three? The birds weren’t awake at
four in the morning either. My values
had changed from when I lived in North Carolina. I tend to take my me-time in the afternoons
or evenings. I tend to lay in bed and do
a mindfulness exercise as I fall to sleep or self-reflect before I drift
off. My idea of me-time had altered in
only one way. I refused to rise early to
have that me-time and discovered that I liked having it before bedtime. I was no different from this man. He decided to wake early, and I decided to go
to sleep late. Those are the only
differences. And in truth, both may be
an inconvenience to someone else who may like to take their me-time before the
kids get home from school, or in the parking lot before driving home from
work. Me-time is your time and it offers
you a moment to breathe, wonder through the layers of your soul. Don’t be afraid of doing it wrong. There is no right way to find ourselves. There are no wrong ways to become acquainted
with our identities and shape ourselves into someone we life and can accept and
be content with.
In next week’s post, we will discuss how to identify our
core values and beliefs ad how this can impact not only our lives but improve
them. I invite you to comment and have a
discussion. I would like to know what
you think; I look forward to interacting with you again soon.
Until next we meet, stay encouraged and affirmed,
Nell
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