Self

Who are you?

“Loving oneself isn't hard, when you understand who and what 'yourself' is. It has nothing to do with the shape of your face, the size of your eyes, the length of your hair or the quality of your clothes. It's so beyond all of those things and it's what gives life to everything about you. Your own self is such a treasure”

(Phylicia Rashad).

The word self is used in several different contexts.  We often refer to ourselves as myself or in some way that individualizes us.   What’s interesting to me about self is that we say, “myself” or some version of this but rarely think about what we mean by this.  We don’t ask ourselves if there is a deeper meaning to the word self and how it impacts us on a daily basis.

One of the things I remember the most from my moments as an intern during my counseling degree was working with clients on the concept of self.  It is not an easy concept to grasp.  I would ask them the question many of us remember from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.  The caterpillar asks her repeatedly, “Who are you?”  while he is smoking what to me looks like a hookah, he even blows smoke letters to show her his question.  I am not sure how many of you remember the movie, but Alice never really answers him.  He even gets frustrated with her, and eventually gets down right angry enough with her to turn into a cloud of smoke.  When the smoke clears, the caterpillar has disappeared, and we see him yelling at Alice a few minutes later, and he has become something different.  He has turned into a butterfly.  The self he was has transformed into something more magical and lovely, but his self remained.  He was still ornery, sarcastic, and a little disgusted with Alice.

When asking my clients, the profound question of “who are you,” I received several answers that, like Alice’s, did not answer my question.  It’s not a question we can really answer for someone else.  It’s only a question we can answer for ourselves.  The self is something that is a part of us.  It goes down deep and is a part of our very soul.  Only we can know ourselves better than anyone else, but majority of the world is walking around knowing others better than they know themselves.  I can remember those interesting “who are you” group sessions.  I received answers like, “I’m an addict,” “I’m a drifter,”: I’m a construction worker,” “I’m a cosmetologist,” and the list goes on and on.  Can you guess what is missing?  Can you see why it is that the caterpillar was disgusted with Alice?  Can you see why so many of us are walking around with identity crises?

As you can see by this week’s quote, the self has little to do with physical or surface aspect of who you are.  When you look up the word self in the dictionary it actually lists the different parts of the self, but it mentions the body only once.  Even those who wrote the dictionary are aware that the self has more to do with internal factors instead of external features or vanity. 

Self:

1.    The union of elements left such as body, emotions, thoughts, and sensations that constitute the individuality and identity of a person.

2.    Personal interest or advantage for a, entire person of an individual.

3.    The realization or embodiment of an abstraction.

In truth, the concept of self is abstract.  There is no concrete tangible substance to self.  It is just there, like the soul or our spirits.  Now, you may think I’m getting a little metaphysical in my idea of self, but if you think about it, you’ll see that it is difficult to truly explain self to someone.

Abstract:

1.    Only having intrinsic form with little or no attempt at pictorial representation or narrative content

2.    Disassociated from any specific instance; difficult to understand; insufficiently factual.

3.    Expressing a quality apart from an object: dealing with a subject in its theoretical form: impersonal, detached

I believe self is the single most important part of our lives.  Many people have told me that I spend too much time alone because I value self over just about everything.  It is not selfish to love ourselves.  It is not wrong to indulge ourselves when we can.  It is not wrong to take the time to know ourselves and accept who we are without compunction even when others are hell bent on changing us, finding fault in us, or trying to find a way to make us become someone completely different from who we are.  One of the most important parts to remember is that we only have one self, and we are the one’s who can mold that person.

Oh sure, throughout life, we have been molded in some ways by our parents, society, our environments, and even our genetics. But who we are, the very core of our individuality is ours to sculpt and create.  A lot of people are under the impression that they cannot change.  One of my favorite clichés and old adages to hear is “I’m stuck in my ways.”  This statement can be taken one of two ways.  I can think this person is stubborn and closed minded and unwilling to grow, or I can think that this person has truly grown to know himself and refuses to be molded by anyone else’s idea of who he should be.

As you can tell, the word should is emphasized.  There is no should.  Throughout our lives we hear the word should over and over again when we receive advice from someone.  Once you understand and know who you are, there is no should.  Your values, morals, beliefs, and behaviors are yours to have.  You get to judge if you are right or wrong.  You get to understand if you want to change a behavior or not.  That choice is up to you.  We receive the ability to choose from our higher powers, and humans are often harder on us than our deities, and that should tell you something.  We have what the forefathers of the United States called our inalienable rights.  I feel that we have an inalienable right to learn who we are; decide who we want to become; and shape ourselves into the person we wish to be.

And so, we come to the crux of the matter.  The shaping and sculpting of ourselves is just as important as the concept of self.  Who you are today is all right.  If you’re happy with who you are?  I say only change the part of you you’re uncomfortable with.  As this series of posts go on, we will learn about self more in depth.  The first thing in this quest toward self-awareness is to understand that there are several parts to the self: self-awareness, self-confidence, self-concept, self-control, self-esteem, self-image, and self-worth.  These are the parts of self that we hear about the most in psychology and probably in the media as well.  We’ll hear a story about a girl with a low self image who became an anorexic or a young man with a low self-worth who engages in self-injury.  The problems that most of us have with ourselves have very little to do with us.  Usually it has more to do with others: what they say to us; what they do to us; how we are seen by others; how our lives are impacted by events; how we think of ourselves because someone has planted that view in our minds.  The reason knowing and understanding ourselves is extremely important is because we will never escape the shoulds and musts in our lives if we don’t first learn who we are.  Where there is no understanding, there is no acceptance, wrote Thich Nhat Hanh in his book Pease is Every Step.  If we can understand ourselves, we can accept ourselves, flaws and all.  If we can accept ourselves, what other people say about us or do to us won’t matter as much.  Another interesting side effect of self-acceptance is that when we accept ourselves, others find a way to accept us as well.  They stop spouting unsolicited advice at us and begin to try to find understanding and acceptance of us as well.

Next week, we start to learn more about self, how it impacts our lives, and how we can learn to understand who we are.  Thank you for being a part of the Soul Search Café.  I look forward to continuing a learning relationship with you.  Share your comments and perspectives with us, so we can learn from you.

Until next we meet, stay encouraged and affirmed,

Nell